So I went to the zoo on the last day of 2014. Its already the 5th day. I know it took me awhile to write this post. I was busy with last minute shopping for the upcoming trip and also “spring” cleaning. Since I got a new job and it will commence after my trip, I took probably I will be busy. REAL busy as I took up another class on Saturday. So I will be going for 2 classes on a Saturday. I thought it will be much better this way than brain storming weekly of what is in town or what can be done.
Anyway, back to the main topic. I decided to go to the zoo on the last day wasn’t a random idea. I thought probably I started the year there, I will end it there especially on a bad 2014. In addition, the elephant ride has ended yesterday. There won’t be anymore elephant ride in Singapore anymore. No matter how rich you are, you won’t sway the management’s decision to let you ride an Elephant.
It has always been a dream to ride it. On the first day of 2014, I was also thinking of doing it but it was real popular. Even if you have to pay $8 for less than a minute of experience, there are long queues! I can’t describe much about the experience as I do not have any other animal rides experience. I thought its more of the feeling of the muscles movement than anything else. I thought the worst experience came from the partnership with a family. It was a group ride and there was a family of 3. The father did not went for the ride and I was the only male of the group and it made me look bad. Man.. I wanted to have the photo but I decided not to purchase it. It looks weird! Anyway, there were many Japanese at the zoo that day. Probably japanese likes animal?
So 2014, ended on a pretty note. I got a reply from her that she was fine. Everything was fine just that there weren’t anything to do everyday. So I guess she went to work daily to get paid for sitting in the office. It has come to a point where I wonder if staying or leaving was good for me. I don’t quite understand if there is any advantage for me. Staying may be good as I am able to see her everyday. Lunch and tea break with her everyday. Probably even have simple topics to talk about. But what if she decides to bail out the lunch. What if she decides to join someone else? What if she decides to even go on her own? There are possibilities in these aspects and I really don’t know if this is what I want to face. Will I still get avoided everyday? Will she change her walking path back home or to work? I really don’t know. Will we even walk together again if I am still part of the company?
Many unanswered questions.
All I can say now is that I have a chance to choose on whether to forget about her and probably not fall in love ever again or just stick to her and hope that she would give me a chance in the near future. But it is just impossible. Even the message that I sent her last Wednesday night, I only received 1 reply. That message was a question and requires and answer. She won’t go beyond replying me if there isn’t any questions in the message. Is this her style? I really have no idea and I didn’t manage to figure this out in the 1.5 years. Unfortunately.
How I wish she could just prove me wrong once by messaging me anything. How about, “Hey, what are you doing now?” or “Hey, you saw the show the other day? It was so funny” or “You like to eat this? Wanna hang out for some?” or even “Hey I heard that you are going on a trip, have a safe trip. Since lately things aren’t looking good” or maybe “Hey, good luck with your new job. Hope everything goes smoothly, all the best.”
These are just words and suggestions that can be used and I wonder if all did come across her mind? I do hope that it does. I believe she has a heart for something. She can’t be so heartless.
Anyway, I am left with a group photo of her and looking at it everyday hoping that she could talk to me literally.
Anyway, if you read this.. I wrote a reflection for 2014 on facebook. Not everyone is able to read it. And I thought probably you should see it. But I can’t message you that as it was a long essay.
So my beloved A, this is what I wrote:
“On the fourth consecutive sleepless night, lets do something different. Lets do a recap or reflection on what happened this year, i guess i have learnt a load of stuff this year.
I joined the Grand Prix big family and understand how a track marshal ran the show on and off the track. How to work as a team and most importantly talked to one another in a sociable way.
I also took part in other types of social works, for example, meal distribution and entertain & helped the needies in THK Eunos. Many important revelations about life and knowing that there are really many poor and helpless people living in Singapore. Fortunately, there are nice and caring souls who organize events to help these people out.
And of course, my routine guitar class that started in March. Its been 10 years. Right now my guitar still works well and now i am able to play songs like “Right here waiting” (which is the only pop song in a classical guitar class, oh well).
And also the unfortunate fall from my first lesson of roller blading. Seriously, you need a helmet to do this sport if not you will end up like me going for an x-ray scan. Another lesson learnt.
I guess what i learnt most from was the relationship that i tried so hard to make it happen. If things are meant to be yours, then it will be yours, vice versa. Back in April, without having too much of an information of this girl, i used my gut feeling and liking towards her and i confessed to her.
Tragic ending. It took almost half a year to make her think that we can still be colleagues and work as colleagues. But that’s the best that i could piece back from a broken “vase”. She doesn’t regard me as a friend like how she did before that confession. A total tragic ending that caught me off guard. And i just hope she is doing fine now and probably some day we can talk again.
With this big issue, i guess i made a few terrible decision after that. I wanted to try pursuing higher education. I wanted to be a future professor. I went to look for a number of contacts, get help from them and finally got a call to have an interview. 3 scientists interviewer attended the interview. 2 from US and 1 from China. What i can say is they were looking for full time researchers, not some good course work performer. So even if you did well in school, it doesn’t mean you can get pass them with a few jargon words. They really challenge you to the point that your interest is nothing but research. That is totally not my cup of tea.
Maybe this bad decision caused my job since I told my boss that I might do further study in 2015. And with a scholarship, its impossible to work in the company and maybe that’s the turning point.
Then there came the expected retrenchment list with my name being listed first on the list. Dec 12 became the last day i saw her and hear from her. Probably number 12 is a curse number and hated number. I am sorry if u birthday is on the 12th or some happy events is on the 12th. Different case here. Dwight Howard (most hated NBA player) wore jersey number 12 in his one year with Lakers. Oh well. Coincidence.
That pretty much summed up my terrible decision year that ended up giving me a bad year. Thank goodness, i was able to get a job with Micron on Monday that probably kept me going and at least a light smile over the last few days of 2014.
So what is in for 2015? I am expecting a better one since its a brand new start in every aspect. New colleagues, new job. I just hope no office politics and everything should move smoothly with my work ethics. And maybe one day in 2015 that i can hear from her or she may even want to meet me for dinner. So much to look forward to. Bye bye 2014″