Well, I have posted this on Facebook so it doesn’t really matter if its a secret or not. I got rejected on a Good Friday, 18th April 2014 at around 7.20pm. I wrote a letter of what I wanted to confess to a girl whom I have crushed on for more than half a year. I passed that slip to her before she board the train which is at around 4.10-4.15pm. I was too nervous when I tried to pass the slip to her so I walked away immediately after I gave it to her. She was stunned at the process which I came to know from her friend. I didn’t want it to be that way but I am just lack of confident. I am worried that she will tear it to pieces. Anyway, the outcome was expected.
I got rejected.
I guess it will always live with me throughout my entire life. Whenever its a Good Friday, it will remind me of how it ended, how I got rejected by someone. I mean I am that bad as a person. Why am I not able to find a girlfriend in the last decade? This is getting hilarious. I just don’t understand. Not even a single soul that was attracted by me?
I was disheartened. I was sad. Very sad. In fact at 7.20pm, I was on my way to National Library for a musical that was joint written by my lecturer in NTU. The music was written by none other than Singapore’s very own 梁文福 (Liang Wen Fook). The title of the musical was If there’s season. I have looked forward to this musical as I have attended their promo the other day and find that the plot should be interesting and nice. I have been to musical before so I am expecting it to be interesting and nice. I know that. Unfortunately, the rejection got over me. I wasn’t as well prepared as I thought. In fact, I was hoping that there was some time for me to do something before she send anything to me. Well, I guess I was over confident in one and I got the outcome that I didn’t expect.
I didn’t had any tears when I reached the building. I looked gloomy. I didn’t smile at anybody. I even saw my lecturer but I didn’t went up to him and congratulate him. I looked terrible and I shouldn’t be doing all these. I entered the concert hall at 8pm. Lights were already dimmed. I sat at the highest level last row center seat. The view was a bird eye view. I know that it will be nice. I wanted to follow the story and laugh when there are jokes. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to remove myself from it. Tears started to stream down when they started to sing songs about love. As the story proceed more into love, I just can’t follow anymore. It felt terrible to continue and I can’t just leave the hall as it was dark and I didn’t want to disrupt the flow of the play. So I secretly cried throughout the play. I cried with my contact lens on which makes the eyes even more vulnerable to pain. At around 930pm. The play finally came to an intermission. I was so glad and I went out to catch a breather. I message her friend ask if we could talk since we had a number of discussion about her. I didn’t went back to the musical after that. I stayed at the ground level for 1.5 hours and was on the phone with her friend. Crying through the phone and telling her friend how much I was in love and how much pain I was in. I told her all the plans I had. I wanted to get a sweater for my love as the lab was really too cold. I wanted to do more to make her feel more loved. I wanted to this and that and everything but all was being thrown out at 7.20pm, 18th April 2014.
I decided to walk to the train station at around 1030pm as I thought I have calmed down pretty much. I don’t know how I looked as I really cried hard but I thought I looked normal when I looked at my reflection over at the platform. No one gave me the weird look and I continue on the train to reach home.
In the process, I was still on the phone with her friend. It was nice actually but I just hope that it was her calling me to comfort me and telling me why I was rejected. Actually she didn’t say she dislike me, just that she can’t be my girlfriend. I don’t know why. So I kept thinking and the thought just kept connecting and connecting and it finally got connected with the others that have either silently rejected me or didn’t even gave me a chance. My conclusion of the day was I am just not good enough for anybody. I am a terrible man. I am undependable. I can’t do this and that and I don’t look good. I am not rich and I have no status.
I don’t know why. I seriously don’t know why. Probably I have to stay single for life. The thought of that makes me even want to protect myself more in the future against love and relationships. I may despise it. I don’t know.
I don’t even know if I have the ability to go back to work on Monday to face her. I almost cried again when I woke up this morning. I am pathetic isn’t it? But come on, this is my first ever face to face approach to confess to a girl. Maybe not literary, but it is seriously a breakthrough for someone like me.
I am out of love and so lost without you~ Air Supply – All out of love.